Keeping our sisters (and brothers) safe

Many years ago I attended a bellydance event in another community.  The husband of the dancer who was organizing the event was there the entire weekend.  I commented on how great it was that he was so supportive.  The dancer I was with told me that he beats his wife and won't let her out of his sight because he doesn't trust her.  

I really can't explain why this surprised me.  At the time I had been working as a clinical social worker in the field of family violence for over 2 decades.  I know that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner during their lifetimes (CDC, 2010).  Over the years, countless people (upon hearing what I do for a living) had disclosed their stories of sexual and physical violence.  I know that family violence can happen to anyone regardless of socioeconomic level, race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion, etc.  So why was I surprised?

When I walk into a dance studio it is like a sacred space.  Dance is my form of meditation and the dancers are my community.  It feels safe and good and somehow protected.  But I KNOW that there are women who enter the studio who are being emotionally or physically abused when they go home after class.  Statistically, in a class of 20, there are at least 6 of us who have experienced intimate partner violence. 

I believe there is an opportunity for those of us who dance to hold our sisters up and let them know that they are not alone.  This can be as simple as leaving brochures from the local domestic violence program in the studio restroom.  Don't know anything about the local program?  Search "[name of your county] domestic violence" or go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website.

Want to do a little more?  Educate yourself about domestic violence.  Go to the National Coalition website.  Read some of the fact sheets and learn about the types of power and control that can occur in an abusive relationship.  Physical violence is only one of many abusive behaviors.  Read about how to recognize signs of a potentially abusive partner.  I call them "red flags" and they can include things that might seem flattering at first... wanting to spend all his/her time with you, constantly texting you to see where you are, telling you what he/she likes you to wear.  Tell your friends about what you learned.

Want to do even more?  Consider making the local DV program the recipient of any profits from your next hafla.  Check with your local DV shelter and see what they need right now (most don't have space for storage).  Put a cardboard box in the corner of the studio to collect toilet paper, diapers, hair care products, etc.

If you want to talk further about this topic, get in touch with me or Terri.  We both have extensive professional experience working in the field of family violence.

xoxoxoxo,

Lisa

Victim Blaming: Why We Feel Safer When We Blame Others and Ourselves

Victim blaming can be defined as “putting blame for the occurrence of a traumatizing event on the survivor instead of blaming the perpetrator.” (1)

Victim blaming occurs in many contexts.  Homeless people are blamed for not being able to support themselves, targets of bullying are blamed for not “standing up to the bully,” robbery victims are blamed for walking down the street wearing flashy jewelry.  However, we would like to discuss victim blaming in the context of sexual violence and objectification.

The Social Context of Victim Blaming

The phenomenon of victim blaming is common in hate crimes, discrimination, rape and bullying.  Victim-blaming doesn’t occur in a vacuum, the social context that gives rise to it occurs when a perpetrator of crime enjoys a privileged social status, authority or power over the victim. Most sexual and family violence is perpetrated by members of a privileged group (men) upon members of an unprivileged group (women, children, weaker men).

Perpetrators, bystanders, society and even victims themselves practice and enforce victim blaming.  “Each group does so for different reasons based on their power or lack thereof, self defense and desire to find logical reasons for abuse or social injustice." (3)

Why do Offenders Blame the Victim?

This may be the easiest to understand.  Offenders blame their victims in order to avoid punishment and maintain the freedom to abuse in the future.  We have both worked extensively with offenders of sexual and domestic violence.  In every single case, the offender had a sense of entitlement over their victims because they had some form of power over their victims (age, financial control, size, threat of emotional or physical harm, etc.).  This was the case for hands-off offenders and hands-on offenders.

Making the victim completely or partially responsible for their behavior allows offenders to abdicate responsibility while at the same time staying in a position of power.  The reasoning follows that if she (sic) hadn’t dressed skimpily, agreed to my authority by marrying/dating me, smiled at me, etc. then I wouldn’t have targeted her.

One time I (Terri) was working with a man who broke into women’s houses and raped them.  He described a situation where he was pumping gas and a woman smiled at him.  He followed her home and began casing her.  When I asked why, he said that she obviously wanted to have sex with him, because she had smiled at him.  These errors in thinking are called cognitive distortions.  Types of cognitive distortions include rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. 

Why do Others (bystanders, society) Blame the Victim?

Victim blaming occurs for several reasons.  First, it occurs because we don’t want to acknowledge our own vulnerability.  “When bad things happen to good people, it implies that no one is safe, that no matter how good we are, we too could be vulnerable.” (1)  I (Lisa) have worked a lot with rape survivors and one day I realized that despite my training and knowledge, I was doing this too.  As a way to feel less vulnerable I was carefully avoiding mall parking lots, certain apartment complexes, meeting men at bars, etc. because those were all ways I knew that survivors had crossed paths with rapists.  It is human nature to look for ways we are different than anyone who experiences a traumatic event in an effort to feel that false sense of security.   

This phenomenon is called the Just World Theory.  It is the idea that bad things only happen to people who did something to deserve it.  “If an event establishes the world as unjust, people put the victim at fault or try to convince themselves and others that no injustice has occurred.”(3)

Victim blaming also occurs when we as a culture or community resist holding the actual offender responsible for the behavior in question.  This reasoning follows that someone has to be to blame for the bad behavior, and we know that the offender is a good guy; so it must have been the victim.

In our experience, victims of sexual or family violence are believed more often when there are aggravating factors in place such as physical injury (not just emotional) or the offender is a stranger.  It is almost as if the victim has to meet certain criteria to remain un-blamed.  Victims of “hands-off” offenses (like sexual harassment, voyeurism, verbal bullying, and emotional abuse) are often faced with disbelief. 

Why Do Victims Blame Themselves?

Because all of us live in this culture where rampant victim-blaming occurs, victims are not immune to this socialization.   In addition, by blaming himself or herself, the victim re-gains the sense of control that was lost.  For example, if I never walk alone at night again, I won’t be attacked.  “By taking responsibility for the actions taken against them, victims feel that if they avoid the behavior that purportedly caused their abuse, the will avoid the abuse again.”(3)

What Can You Do About Victim-Blaming Behavior?

-       Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear or read them.

-       Let survivors know that it isn’t their fault.

-       Hold abusers accountable for their actions without minimization, blame or excuses.

-       Acknowledge that survivors are their own best experts.

Resources:

(1) Stop Rape: Humboldt State University

(2) Why Do We Blame Victims

(3)Victim-Blaming: A New Term for an Old Trend

Terri and Lisa

Understanding the Sexual Objectification of Women

Sexual Objectification of Women

There is currently a lot of conversation in our community about the sexual objectification of women.  Many dancers have written eloquently on why it is an important issue.  We hope to add to this dialogue by defining the term and giving some examples.  Unlike our average blog, this one will contain citations and a bibliography.  Because of the nature and timing of this blog, it is important that we not just share our own experience, but also point you in the right direction if you are interested in reading more. 

To objectify someone is to view them as an object, rather than as a subject, or a human with feelings, thoughts, opinions and value.  To sexually objectify someone is to view a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure.  Objectification occurs in interpersonal relationships and in the broader culture as pornography, prostitution, sexual harassment, and sexualized representation of women in mass media.(1)  Sexual objectification is not the same as sexual attraction.  Sexual objectification occurs when the individuality of the desired person is not acknowledged or recognized.

The dehumanization that results from objectification can cause a host of problems for the subject, object and community.

Impact of sexual objectification on the person who is being objectified

When people are objectified, they are denied personhood.  Research indicates that objectified women are seen as less competent, sincere, moral and intelligent.(2,3)  Further, exposure to sexualized images of women negatively impacts how the male viewer perceives other women (not just the woman being pictured).(2) Objectification not only harms the women who are objectified but also harms women in general.

Impact of sexual objectification on women in general

Each individual act of sexual objectification has consequences. When many representations of women are sexualized (i.e., objectified),  a “rape culture” develops, where women are blamed when they are victimized and rape is trivialized.(7) 

Further, women who grow up in a culture with widespread sexual objectification tend to internalize those messages.  This is called “internalized self-objectification.”  If you grow up in a culture that objectifies women you will do this to some extent without even realizing it.  This internalization can result in issues including eating disorders, depression, body shame, sexual dysfunction, depression, and substance abuse.(4)  

Impact of sexual objectification on the person who is objectifying another:

There are negative implications for the person who is doing the objectifying as well.  If you discount a person’s feelings, thoughts, and dreams, instead focusing on their appearance, they become less than real to you.  Carole Heldman, PhD, has found that exposure to images of sexually objectified women causes male viewers to be more tolerant of sexual harassment and rape myths.(5)

What can I do?

First, remember that people who are objectified respond in different ways.  Some, particularly those with a history of sexual violation, may be deeply impacted by an instance that another person might consider a nuisance.  You can respect each person’s unique response and offer support accordingly. 

Second, remember that the impact of objectification extends far beyond the people targeted to the entire community. Just as the ones objectified have varying responses, so do those in our community.

Third, remember that demonizing the people who acted in ways that objectify others is a form of objectification in and of itself.  Holding people accountable for these attitudes and actions is appropriate.  

This is a deep topic and we will be exploring more facets of this issue over the next several weeks.

Be kind to yourself and others, breathe and let us know if you need anything.

Terri and Lisa

If there is a topic you would like us to blog about, just let us know.

Notes:

(1)  https://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2007/03/23/faq-what-is-sexual-objectification/

(2)  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201106/the-sexual-objectification-spillover-effect

(3)  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201008/sexualized-women-are-seen-objects-studies-find

(4)  Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture and What We Can Do About It by Kate Harding

(5)  http://educoup.com/2013/04/20/the-disease-of-sexual-objectification-inside-a-society-that-turns-women-into-things/

Challenging Unkind Behavior

Do you ever read a rant about a dancer on Facebook?  Have you overheard dancers at a show commenting negatively about others?  Have you ever been to a bellydance event where there was clearly an "in" group who were not friendly to dancers unless they were "important"?  How do you feel about challenging these behaviors when you see/hear/read them?  How do you decide when challenging the unkind behavior is better than ignoring it?

In this blog, I am going to talk about challenging unkind behavior in the dance community by applying some ideas from research on bystander behavior and confronting racism.  Our ultimate goal is to respond to unkind behavior in such a way that the other person can hear our feedback.  This isn't always easy to do and getting better at it is a process.

Initially, we may find that we are only able to identify unkind behavior (our own or someone else's) after the fact, maybe because someone else points it out to us.  Eventually, we are able to recognize the behavior at the time it occurs. Ultimately, we want to be able to decide the best way to respond at the time the behavior occurs. Sometimes this means choosing to respond later in private.   Sometimes it means responding immediately.

So how do you respond?

Discussion Tips for Challenging Unkind Behavior:

Discuss the person being disparaged in the context of your relationship to them
    Mary is an ATS(R) dancer from my community.  She may not have a lot of skill, but she is kind and friendly and really eager to learn.

ATS(R) Homecoming 2015 was a great example of a supportive dance environment
Picture of Terri's veil workshop

Ask questions (statements can generate resistance, questions invite conversation)
    Why do you say that?  How much do you know about the situation?

Consider planting a seed rather than needing instant resolution
    I have been thinking a lot lately about how I interact with other dancers in our community and part of that is not staying in conversations that are (or could turn) negative.  I would love to tell you about my thoughts sometime if you are interested.

Appeal to the person's best self
    I'm surprised to hear you say that because I have always thought of you as a person who was very supportive/kind.

My daughter sleeping on the floor with her dog who was too old to jump on the bed anymore.
It was years ago but this was the sweetest picture I could find.
We all have that kindness inside.

Talk about how it makes you feel (telling them how to behave- what to do or not to do- can be disputed, but how you feel cannot)
    It makes me uncomfortable to hear you say that/ to talk about this/ to read this.

Approach the person with respect rather than self-righteous indignation
    I know how tempting it is to vent about _____ because I struggle with it also, but we made a commitment not to talk negatively about others and we have to help each other stick to that promise.

In the past when my behavior has been challenged, I was much more open to the feedback when the person talked to me like I was a good person who just had a lapse in judgement.  Think about the ways you would be most open to hearing this kind of feedback and try to follow the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)

Good luck and don't hesitate to touch base with Terri or I if we can help you problem-solve about a specific situation.

xoxoxoxo.

Lisa

Keeping Passion Alive in your Relationship



Hasan and Lisa at a recent show that involved audience participation
Photo credit: Josh Edwards

This post is for bellydancers who are in intimate partner relationships.  Like me, there may be some of you out there who struggle with balancing the needs of your partners with the needs of your troupe!  Here are just a few of the things MY partner, Hasan, tolerates (I am guessing some of this will sound familiar):  work vacation days used up for bellydance events, weekend get-aways starting on Saturday morning because troupe rehearsal is on Friday night, listening to endless fangirl stories about amazing dancers, and requests for back rubs after hours of dancing with ATS® arms. 

We spend a lot of time practicing our dance, perfecting our technique, and bonding with our troupe mates.  Here are some ideas for things you can do to focus on your partner.

1-      Turning towards each other

“Turning towards each other” behaviors will increase connection and trust with your partner.   In every relationship, people make “bids” for each other’s attention, affection or support.  This "turning towards each other" is the basis for emotional connection, romance, passion and a good sex life.  These bids for attention can be small, like a smile, or bigger, like leaving a voice mail when you know your partner is going to have a stressful day.   Rather than thinking of romance as a lavish gift, think of romance as flourishing in the everyday, little things—all of these “turning towards” behaviors.  Lavish gifts in the absence of these small and constant expressions of love can feel insincere. 

2-      Solve your Solvable Problems

There are some problems you may never solve… differences in political beliefs, ex-partners who interfere, or if your partner is a morning person and you are a night owl.  So how do you solve your solvable problems?

First, if necessary, adjust the way you are thinking about your partner.  Trust that your partner has your interests in mind by behaving as if you believe it, even during a disagreement. 

Second, when you bring up a problem, use this format:  I feel _________ about (what)       and I need ____________.  For example,  I feel concerned about the car registration and I need you to send in the renewal tomorrow. Framing things like this describes your feelings and sets up your partner to respond in a positive way.

3-      Self-Expansion Theory

Self-expansion theory posits that people have an innate inclination towards growth and towards expanding their self-concept.  One of main ways we do it is through our relationships.  In other words, satisfying relationships are those where partners help each other grow as individuals. 

Close relationships open up new worlds to people.  Small parts of yourself change and become more like your close friends and partners.  My partner works in advertising and I now talk about being "on brand" which is a concept I would have never used before I met him two years ago.  Relationships not only help shape our identities; they also provide us with shared resources.

Opportunities for self-expansion are highest early in new relationship and as self-expansion decreases so does relationship satisfaction.  Therefore, self-expansion theory also explains how to increase relationship satisfaction- ask couples to participate in new and exciting things together.



Terri and Daniel in Mexico

4-      Prioritizing Sex

Touch is such an important part of love and sex.  The United States is a very “low touch” culture.  There are actually researchers who study how often couples touch each other in different countries.  A psychologist, Sidney Jourard, studied couples around the world who were out to dinner and recorded how often they touched each other in an hour.   Couples in Paris touched each other 115 times- not a surprise!   In Mexico City couples touched each other 185 times an hour.  In London, the average number of times couples touched each other was zero; and in Florida, 2 times an hour.  In the USA, touch is a much underutilized strategy for increasing love and passion in a relationship!

If sex is important to you in your relationship, create a deliberate intention to cultivate a rewarding sex life.  This starts with positive self-talk.   Thinking or saying you are too tired and stressed to have sex contributes to creating that reality.  Prioritizing your relationship including the sexual part might seem like an impossible task with dance, busy jobs, children, pets, relatives, bills, etc.  However, once you start prioritizing time alone with your partner you will find that you have more energy, are less stressed, and have a greater overall life satisfaction than when you didn’t make time. 

I would love to hear what other dancers do to “keep the passion alive.”  For more info on this topic: www.gottmanblog.com.

xoxoxo, Lisa

Dancing to the Beat of Your Own Drum

My niece, Elizabeth is a very special child.  As you can see in the video, she dances to the beat of her own drummer.  My sister who is her mother and her loving aunts (Lisa and I) encourage that behavior.  We want an independent, sassy child who expresses herself without the societal pressures of fitting in.  We want her to express her authentic voice and be celebrated for it.

One of the reasons that many of us have chosen to belly dance is because we want to dance to the beat of our own drum.  Let's face it, this choice isn't a particularly sanctioned one in our society.  Many people do not understand our love of costumes, desire to be on stage or need for this particular community, the one that we find only in our dance sisters and brothers.

My last performance as an Egyptian style belly dancer where solo improvisation is the norm.

Yet, for American Tribal Style® dancers, we make a choice to be in community when we dance.  Our art is one of group improvisation at it's core.  When we dance in this style, we agree to put the needs of the group ahead of the needs of ourselves.  We commit to supporting our sisters and brothers, following their lead and being there for them in class, in rehearsal and on the stage.  We agree to dance to the beat of the group's drum!

Dancers at a Third Eye Tribal class practicing as a group.

In order to do this successfully, we need to be able to work cooperatively, putting our own needs aside at times for the needs of the group.  Some concrete examples of this are:

• agreeing to different music or costuming than is your first choice
• performing to the skill level and movement knowledge of the least experienced member of your group so that everyone shines
• not intentionally leading moves that others in your group do not know or are not proficient in executing
• allowing others to express their opinions when planning a set or making a decision
• encouraging less vocal members of your dance group to share their opinions
• being generous about allowing others to take the lead during performances

Although these suggestions seem like common courtesy or normal adult behavior, sometimes in the heat of the moment and stress of interpersonal relationships, we forget them or don't even realize that we are ignoring them, or in other words, dancing to the beat of our own drum. 

I just wrote an article called "Against the Flock" for the most recent issue of The ATS® Magazine discussing difficult students.  You can get it here:  The ATS® Magazine

Many of the problems related to "difficult students" center around dancers who need to dance to their own drum but have landed in a group improvisational dance style where that just isn't a possibility.  The same problematic behaviors that instructors find in their classroom can be found in dance troupes.

How do you cultivate community in your dance classes and troupes?  How do you encourage the members to dance to the beat of the group's drum?  We would love to hear from you!

Happy Shimmies!

Terri

Happiness, Life and Bellydance: Part II

Wow.  In one of our first blogs I talked about my post-event blues after ATS (R) Homecoming and things that I did to improve my mood based on happiness research.  Since then we have written more than one blog on happiness.  Not a big surprise- the purpose of the Third Eye Tribal blog is to promote positivity in our community.  Now I want to share "Part II" of the blog I wrote in January.




Dawn, Ming and Natalie when we scored a free hotel upgrade- very happy indeed!

One of the main differences between happy people and unhappy people can be found in the ratio of their positive experiences to their negative ones.  Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s book, Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive, identifies the ratio as 3 to 1.  She discovered that for every one negative experience you have, you should actively seek out three positive experiences.

In addition to identifying and sharing gratitude, there are many other things we can do to have these positive experiences and increase the happiness in our lives.  Here are some other strategies suggested by happiness research that I try to practice. 

1-    Setting meaningful goals:  A sense of purpose highly correlates with happiness.   I periodically spend time reflecting on what is important to me (for example, time with my daughter, being kind and generous) and then thinking about how my values compare with how I spend my time.  A year ago I left a great job as the Associate Executive Director of the local domestic violence agency to be an "individual contributor" in a large company.  I did this because I realized that my 60 hour a week job was not consistent with my most important value- time with my daughter.  She is in her first year of high school and for the first time in her life my 40 hr/week job allows me to go in at 7:30 after I drop her at school and to pick her up from school every day at 3:30.

Me, Teresa, and Nicole in a dramatic hotel improv

2- Find humor in everyday life:  This is easy to do on the 3-4 days a week that I dance.  The women I dance with are fun and funny.  We even fill our 2 hour Friday night practices with laughter.  One of my favorite silly things we do happens when we rehearse in duets.  Whoever is dancing together gets a "ship" name.  For those of you who don't have a teenager, a "ship" name (short for relationship) is when you combine two names together to form one name, usually done when you think the two would make a good couple.  So,when Patti and Natalie dance together we call them Pattilie.  When Ming and I dance together we are Ling.  You get the idea.  Sometimes during my week I have to search out something funny.  Last month I put up some poster paper at my workplace for us all to share jokes, funny movies and funny TV shows. 

Ming, Teresa, Natalie and Sharon being silly at ATS(R) Homecoming 2015

3- Take care of your body:  Eat well, sleep enough, exercise.  We all know it but we have to actually do it.

4- Random acts of kindness:  It may seem cliché, but when I am in a bad mood, I will drive through a fast food place, order a drink, and pay for the car behind me.  Acts of kindness don't need to be random or for strangers to increase your happiness.  Recently, a friend was stressed because she had to spend time out of town with her difficult family.  Three times a day while she was gone I sent her "gifs," those mini-videos you can find on-line.   I got the idea from my daughter and she helped me find and load a bunch of them onto my phone so I would have a steady stream to send my friend.  I felt good, my friend felt good and my daughter felt good!

I am not advocating for "rose colored glasses" or denying the difficult realities of financial stress, health issues, caregiving responsibilities or other very real and challenging things many of us deal with every day.  I am suggesting that despite all of these things, if you commit to searching out positive experiences and increasing your ratio of positive experiences to negative you will be a happier person.  Good luck and let me know how it goes!

xoxoxo,

Lisa